Trying to Save My Own Life
My life is nothing like the way I pictured it. For your average person, that’s okay. But for me? Allow me to explain.
I have a few regrets in my life that eat at me daily. The fact that I didn’t fulfill them, makes me feel like I’ve failed miserably at everything. Even when I’m actually doing pretty good — better than most, even. And these REAL moments of success come as a direct result of my own discipline to speak positively over myself, even when I don’t believe it. But, ever still, there’s a voice that tells me there’s nothing to be positive about. It tells me that this life isn’t what it should be, and now I’m dealt the task of deciding whether to sit in it. Or end it. Because, as the voice says, it’s not getting better.
On the outside, I’m so loud and happy. I laugh at EVERYTHING. I love to party and listen to music and sing horribly out loud. But on the inside? For the most part, it’s like the TV static in Poltergeist. You know how the voice speaks through the static? That’s how it feels in my head.
The thing that sets me back the most in my life is my need for acknowledgement. I need those around me to acknowledge the things I do and give me those words of affirmation that let me know I’m doing the right thing. Because..that voice..will NOT LET ME BE FUCKIN GREAT.
This need that I have, for acknowledgement; I compare it to falling down stairs. When you fall, you never immediately get back up. You sit and look around. To see if anyone saw or if anyone is going to acknowledge that you fell, if anyone is going to help you or encourage you to get back up. But then..nobody comes. And you’re hurt. Whether it’s physically, mentally, or emotionally. YO ASS IS HURT.
So you get up. And you go back up the steps. One by one. Have you ever noticed that when you fall down steps, you fall down all of them at once, but if you’re going up and you trip, it’s only one step? I fall down a lot.
Anyways, the point here is that I’ve had to learn the hard way that NOBODY is going to be standing at the bottom of the steps making sure you don’t fall again. And NOBODY is going to be standing at the top telling you ‘Come on you can do it.’ It’s your responsibility to get up and get to the top of the steps. Stop putting it on everybody else to get you where you need to be.
But that’s not how I’m designed. I already feel as if I’ve failed myself. And if I’m to keep going, I need encouragement. I need acknowledgment. I need HELP.
I go to therapy, but at this point, I’m even disappointing her. I’m comfortable sitting in this cloud of sadness because I’m not worthy of anything else.
And I’m not allowed to feel this way, right? As a ‘strong’ black woman, a wife, and mom of 3..I’m not allowed to be this person. I’m supposed to be able to do for myself, help myself, speak life over myself. But I can’t. I don’t. And the people I would love to hear it from are just as ashamed of me as I am of myself.
They call my needs attention seeking. Or a pity party, or my personal favorite..FAKE.
So again. Here’s the voice. It visits me daily. On a good week, maybe 5 days out of 7. ‘You’ve not only failed yourself, but you’ve failed everyone.’ ‘You know you don’t have to cry everyday, you can just end it. Right here.’
I’ve written letters and stored them in my phone. I’ve planned my entire funeral. But here I am. Alive.
Because everyday I choose to be here. Even though it’s a fight. Internally AND externally. I get up. And I fight. Some days are harder than others and I may just want to sit around, but remember before you judge me for this, consider what I may be thinking about. What thoughts may be swirling around in my head, how many tears I’m holding back, what I’m living with.
People will naturally judge what they don’t understand and my hopes with this is that people will understand a little more and judge a little less.